I Want to Run for Office
I have decided to run for public office. My name is Cecil B. Arbuthnot and I’m not a lawyer, I’ve never played professional sports, I’m not a retired soldier, and I’ve never been arrested or convicted of any crimes. I’ve worked hard for many years and made an honest living supporting my family by going to work every day, working hard and bringing home my paycheck. I’ve been a fairly good husband and father over the years, I consistently failed to cheat on my wife when the opportunity presented itself, and I never stole from widows or orphans. I know that puts me at a disadvantage as a political candidate, but I felt it was important to mention these limitations up front before the high class members of the media beat these confessions out of me. I realize I lack the qualifications of most of the candidates who usually run for office, but I feel that someone with my experience and background could provide some positive public service in public office.
I’m known by my friends and family as one who can be trusted with their young daughters and their wallets. Again I apologize for these unsolicited confessions but the media would weasel these admissions from me in time. We know how relentless they can be to get at the truth. At work over the years I was responsible to demonstrate on a continuous basis that I could manage a budget and obtain actual results with the resources I consumed. I have been recognized for actually being able to consume less than I brought in. The functional areas I was responsible for made profits and increased the credibility and reputation of the organization as a whole.
Another obstacle I will have to overcome in my attempt to get elected is my weakness in regard to answering questions. Over the years I was required to respond to senior management and shareholders when asked questions. My ability to tap dance and distort the facts is very limited. My experience up to now has been to respond quickly and honestly. In time I’m sure I can learn to distort the facts and manage the inquiry to avoid the ugly truth as necessary. In my former life an honest answer usually served the purpose, but I understand how that would not be the best path to take in public office.
My life has been made up of a serious dislike for taxes and the wasteful spending of an out of control government. The poor spending habits and bottomless pit of depravity in public office has turned my stomach more than once over the years, but I am older now and not as naïve as I used to be. Up to this point in my life I’ve been my own man and not had to answer to anyone other than myself, my family and the individuals I reported to at work. I’ve never had to make a decision based on instructions from sleazy bastards hiding in back rooms. I’ll do my best to control my opinions and character, but honesty and integrity has been such a part of my life, I know some of it will rise to the surface.
Wasteful spending for no apparent reason (I know that’s an oxymoron, but look who we’re talking about) was frowned upon in the real world, I’ll have to try it see a purpose to it and the reasons for it before I can quietly sit back and accept them. I can’t say I have actually despoiled any interns, male or female, but I can learn.
So far these are my qualifications for public office. I hope I can serve in some capacity.