I Want to Run for Office
I’ve decided to run for public office. My name is Cecil B. Arbuthnot and I’m not a lawyer, I’ve never played professional sports, I’m not a retired soldier, and I’ve never been arrested or convicted of any crimes. I’ve worked hard for many years and made an honest living supporting my family by going to work every day, working hard and bringing home my paycheck. I’ve been a fairly good husband and father over the years, I consistently failed to cheat on my wife when the opportunity presented itself, and I never stole from widows or orphans. I know that puts me at a disadvantage as a political candidate, but I felt it was important to mention these limitations up front before the high class members of the media beat these confessions out of me. I realize I lack the qualifications of most of the candidates who usually run for office, but I feel that someone with my experience and background could provide some positive public service in public office. I’ve always been able to learn new things quickly and frankly from what I’ve seen of our public servants, I can learn their skills with no trouble.
I’m known by my friends and family as one who can be trusted with their young daughters as well as their wallets. Again I apologize for these unsolicited confessions but the media would weasel these admissions from me in time. We know how relentless they can be to get at the truth.
At work over the years I was responsible to demonstrate on a continuous basis that I could manage a budget and obtain actual results with the resources I consumed. I’ve been recognized for actually being able to consume less than I brought in. The functional areas I was responsible for made profits and increased the credibility and reputation of the organization as a whole. I’ve been accused of being responsible for growth, profit and employee retention in the work place. I understand in today’s economy profit and success have such a negative reputation, but these are the lessons of my youth, when I was naïve and not as worldly as the pubic servants of today. Perhaps I can unlearn these negative qualities as I learn the obvious lessons of the incumbent empty suits we have in office today. After all the incumbents never had any marketable skills or success of any kind when they came into office, I should be able to easily learn their lessons.
Another obstacle I will have to overcome in my attempt to get elected is my weakness in regard to answering questions. Over the years I was required to respond to senior management and shareholders when asked questions. My ability to tap dance and distort the facts is very limited. My experience up to now has been to respond quickly and honestly. In time I’m sure I can learn to distort the facts and manage the inquiry to avoid the ugly truth as necessary. In my former life an honest answer usually served the purpose, but I understand how that would not be the best path to take in public office.
My life has been made up of a serious dislike for taxes and the wasteful spending of an out of control government. The poor spending habits and bottomless pit of depravity in public office has turned my stomach more than once over the years, but I’m older now and not as naïve as I used to be. Up to this point in my life I’ve been my own man and not had to answer to anyone other than myself, my family and the individuals I reported to at work. I’ve never had to make a decision based on instructions from sleazy bastards hiding in back rooms. I’ll do my best to control my opinions and character, but honesty and integrity has been such a part of my life, I know some of it will rise to the surface, in spite of the wishes of the party bosses and those who control them.
Wasteful spending for no apparent reason (I know that’s an oxymoron, but look who we’re talking about) was frowned upon in the real world, I’ll have to try it see a purpose to it and the reasons for it before I can quietly sit back and accept it.
As for my recreational activities, I can’t say I’ve actually despoiled any interns, male or female, and my marriage vows made mention of fidelity and being faithful, but in the spirit of public service I will make a strong effort to live up to the low standards set by my peers.
In conclusion these are my qualifications for public office. I hope I can serve in some capacity.