The phrases listed below are a part of my professional existence. I can’t swear that I am the original source of any of these phrases. It’s entirely possible I stole them from you, thank you for your generosity. If the phrase itself is not my own original creation, at least the way I use them is original.
You can’t shine shit!
This is a very useful phrase. Shit has a nasty pasty texture and usually smells real bad. Elbow grease and a good shine rag does not bring out the shine on any turd. Shit stinks and no matter how you work it, it’s still shit. Some mistakes or situations lead to the same effort, trying to bring out a shine or remove the stink from a large steaming turd. It’s an effort best not attempted.
It’s like kissing your sister!
There’s nothing exciting about kissing your sister. You didn’t want to do it, you had to do it. You spent most of your life scheming and plotting against her and now you’re older and you have to tolerate her and even like her, because she was always better to you than you deserved and you had to kiss her on the cheek so you don’t look like you are mistreating her or ignoring her. It’s something you do because you have to do it. You take no pleasure in it. Many of the things you do in a leadership position fall into this category. Stand up move toward her and kiss her, she deserves it and you’ll do it. A lot of things a leader has to do are necessary, not something that you want to do, and they lack any sort of thrill, but it’s important that you do it, just like kissing your sister.
Like a whore in church!
There is a time and a place for whores in the world, for you probably but certainly not for me, but to do something so out of place and so wrong, it’s just like having a whore in church. Some of your decisions and actions fit into this category. Think before you act.
It sort of burns a little bit when I pee!
Back in your misspent youth you made some bad decisions and your judgment was clouded by adult beverages and or peer pressure. You did something, or a series of some things that led to a burning sensation when you peed. Actions have consequences. Inappropriate actions have led to that burning sensation that requires a visit to a discreet medic with a silver bullet i.e., a shot of penicillin. Think about the consequences of your actions before you act. If you fail to think before you act, then you too will start to feel a burning sensation when you pee.
I think I went out with her sister once.
Most very good looking women have a well fed aggressively unattractive sister at home waiting for you. The less attractive sister is always waiting for you. Every hot young babe can always do better than you. When a situation looks too good to be true and leads to a resolution that’s also too good to be true, you can bet your best friends next pay check that chasing after the hot young babe will lead to the well fed beasterella waiting at home for you. Your self esteem has been kicked around enough avoid that hot young babe and you’ll probably avoid the well fed aggressively unattractive sister. When it sounds too good to be true, IT IS!
Pissing in my canteen
I go to work every day with a very positive attitude knowing that I’ll face an assortment of challenges and obstacles that I’ll have to meet and overcome. As always I show up for work prepared and with a canteen on my belt. Every now and then someone wants to cause me a certain amount of displeasure and discomfort. They gently unscrew the top of my canteen and piss directly into it. A feeble attempt by those in my life to rain on my parade. Make sure you keep the top of your canteen screwed on tight and don’t let the miscreants piss in your canteen.
Over educated and under experienced
In every work environment you’ll come across some people who are very educated, but have had very little real world experience. They know a lot about so many areas in life, but they have never or rarely been accountable for achieving results through others. They have no operational responsibilities. They frequently are good at finding holes in your operation and feel fulfilled when they highlight your shortcomings. Every organization has them and to some extent they serve a purpose, but they’re rarely individuals who can be trusted or respected. They live to play the game of ”Gotcha” and avoid any responsibilities of their own. In a perfect world no one is left in a staff position for too long. The best situation is to rotate Leaders in and out of staff positions so the organization reaps the benefit of effective leaders temporarily filling the staff roles. That provides an opportunity for leaders to develop into more well rounded and effective leaders, and you minimize the pain and misery associated with exposing the organization to overeducated and under experienced empty suits. As they read this 90% of the empty suits don’t recognize themselves. 100% of the Leaders who read this recognize 99% of the overeducated under experienced empty suits that slither in their work areas.
Staff Pukes vs. Leaders
Staff Pukes are not leaders, they are kissing cousins of the overeducated and under experienced members of your organization, they sit behind desks and collect data and use that data to piss in the canteens of Leaders. Occasionally Leaders are put in the staff positions. The development of good Leaders should include some staff work. An effective Leader serving in the role of a staff position does not make that person a staff puke. Leaders are accountable for the efforts of subordinates and are expected to achieve results. Leaders are accountable for their operation. Staff Pukes are responsible for looking over the shoulder of a Leader and Pissing in their canteens. They frequently don’t have the intestinal fortitude to do the pissing themselves, the use the cover of someone who controls the work of the staff to do the actual pissing. Staff Pukes are arrogant snitches and are respected and trusted by very few people. Back on the playground the staff pukes were picked last and now in the work world, they were picked last again and stuck with staff jobs. The Leaders were picked first and were placed in the leadership roles and now the staff pukes become the tattle tales of the work place.
Less is More
Effective Leaders have trained and developed the individual members of their work group. The group knows how to work and get the job done. The Bell Curve exists, and is living within your work group. The superstars know what to do and can react well and perform as expected especially when challenged. The dead beats and losers are also there but their impact is marginal at best. The majority of your group is the great bulge in the middle. Your average performers are average, competent, effective. When the pieces are in place and the work group is experienced and trained, stand back and let them work. Less from you is more for them to accomplish without your interference. Don’t meddle, don’t butt in, and don’t make a bunch of changes for the sake of change. Get the work group to perform as you expect and then get out of the way.
I wouldn’t follow him (her) out of a burning building.
The statement I use when sharing my opinion of someone who should be a leader, but falls short. Effective Leaders are trusted by their subordinates, they have earned the respect of their subordinates and their peers, they get the job done, and they are liked by more people than dislike them. That’s the type of person I would follow out of a burning building. If I discovered I was trapped in a burning building with the wrong kind of leader I’m sure I would find my own way out and against my better judgment drag that ineffective leader to safety. And I’ll apologize now if that ineffective leader winds up working with you in the future.
Bull Shit and Poetry
The technical description of some of the writing I do as a part of my job. Some of us are good at expressing our thoughts in a written format, and making them clear and understandable, even for the less gifted among us. I am confident that I can not only make myself understood but I can even be persuasive with my writing. Most of the words I string together are not only informative and persuasive, they are usually suitable for framing. The technical term for this skill is Bull Shit and Poetry.
That shit don’t float
When placed in water shit will float. This assumes it is natural, organic, normal shit. Unnatural, adulterated, chemically altered, i.e. Lying sack of shit, will NOT float. You will find someone trying to hand you a clearly unnatural turd and you won’t want it, but you have to take it and it will not float. The dog ate my homework, the check is in the mail, I sent that to you yesterday, all of these turds will not float. Most effective supervisors are forced to collect things that refuse to float. It’s important that you are aware of those things that should float but won’t and who tried to pass them on to you.
Dumber than a bag of bricks
Have you ever had a bag of bricks? Have you ever asked it if it know which way was up? Have you ever asked it to demonstrate the quickest way to find their ass with a map, a compass, and a GPS? The bag of bricks can’t do either of those things. The bag of bricks leans toward being intellectually challenged. A bag of bricks has little experience in the work world and it is understandable if that bag has difficulty with the two tasks listed above. On occasion, for no apparent reason, that phrase has drifted through my brain as I interacted with one or two people as they failed to get out of their own way in public. This phrase is best left bouncing around inside your head and not expressed in public.
Lipstick on a Pig
Some pigs are as ugly as they can get. Aggressively unattractive and as well fed as possible. This unattractive beast is not pretty to look at and those around you don’t want to look at that pig either, however some of us will do our best to shine her up and make her presentable by applying a small amount of lipstick. Many elected empty suits do this on a daily basis. When you put lipstick on a pig, all you get is an ugly pig who leaves evidence behind after they kiss you.
I’m not just another pretty face
My opinion of myself. On those rare occasions when I rise to the level of marginal or even adequate, I will emphasize the point by declaring the I am not just another pretty face.