I have come to the conclusion that the Global Warming hysteria that consumed the simple minds of this country is finally dissipating. The dissipation should have occurred as easily as the methane laced flatulence of the all the cows in the world that were blamed for part of the global problem. Cows are flatulent, the emissions have noxious fumes, the fumes cause the heat from the planet to get stuck causing us to be warm. Please save us our dinner is killing us through flatulence. I was hoping to survive until my mid to late 90’s and succumb to a particularly hideous social disease, not a victim of bovine flatulence.
The geniuses doing all of the important technical work collecting and analyzing the allegations (I hesitate to call these facts, since they can’t or won’t produce the data) have sworn to God that the sky is falling. It’s been falling ever since they opened up their “Sky is Falling Laboratory” in the middle of the last century. If I understand the entire process, they’ve been collecting data measuring the temperature of this planet using very sophisticated technical equipment. The same technical equipment one sadistic medic tried to shove up where the sun won’t shine when I had strep throat in my misspent youth. Since the Civil War they’ve collected data, with one form or another of the sophisticated technical equipment, and came to the conclusion that the sky will fall sometime in the not too distant future.
Once the geniuses came to the conclusion that the sky will fall in the not too distant future, they had to also come to the conclusion that it’s only going to fall because of us. It wasn’t going to fall, until we got too fat dumb and lazy and are the victims of our own bad habits. Our reliance on indoor plumbing, grocery stores, electricity, planes, trains, and automobiles will all make the sky fall. Our ability to outsmart nature and improve our lives will make the world so hot the glaciers will melt, the oceans will rise, my hair will fall out, and my intermittent performance anxiety will no longer be intermittent.
The overeducated under experienced geniuses at the Sky is Falling Laboratory have decided that the part of the world who have come to enjoy the comforts of indoor plumbing, electric lights and video games, are making the sky fall on the other part of the world who still poop in the woods and beat their dinner to death with sticks. The flatulent cow who will give his all for my cheeseburger next week, will cause the East River to rise to a level that will endanger Madison Ave. Well it sucks to be Madison Ave doesn’t it. The power plant that provides the power for my vibrating recliner, my DVD player, my refrigerator, and the Furnace to heat my house, will make the Polar Ice Cap melt and cause the last 2 polar bears die from a chronic social disease.
The only way to stop this cruelty is for congress (that word used to be capitalized, but until we have responsible adults in it I’ll stop capitalizing it) to pass a complex Ponzi scheme that will raise the cost of everything while at the same time tax the Bejesus out of everything and everybody who moves in this country. As this happens the part of the word who still poop in the woods and beat their dinner to death with sticks will get one new public indoor facility and better sticks to beat their dinner to death with.
Now let’s focus some attention on the simple minded who believed the hysteria. There were hints that the sky might not really be falling. First how many people who swore to God that the sky was falling were elected officials? When they were swearing to God that the sky was falling, were their lips moving? That’s always a clear indication that they were misleading or misappropriating something. Were any of the hysterics who were swearing to God that the sky was falling in the media? In today’s society that’s not a field where intelligent thoughtful people who can be trusted to be honest make a living. The final hint was how outrageous their claim was. This planet survived millions of years; man and technology are not even a blip in the time line. We couldn’t screw up this planet if we tried.
Now that the hysteria is fading I want an opportunity to express my opinion in some meaningful way to the geniuses in the Sky is Falling Laboratory who made up the panic, then to the elected officials who allowed their lips to move, and finally to the simple minded who believed this crap. I want to spend a lot of time with them; I just printed several hundred thousand deeds to the Brooklyn Bridge.
Vote the Bums Out,